


a mouthful of blood

by keepurselfalive



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bittersweet, Friendship, Gen, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 09:25:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18385628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepurselfalive/pseuds/keepurselfalive
Summary: Brian's felt this way for so long that sometimes he almost… forgets.





	a mouthful of blood

**Author's Note:**

> title from the fruit bats song, when u love somebody. 
> 
> when you love somebody and bite your tongue  
> all you get is a mouthful of blood

_"To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves." --_ **Federico Garcia Lorca, Blood Wedding**

 

 

 

Brian's felt this way for so long that sometimes he almost… forgets. Well, no, that's not the right term; he could never really forget these feelings. But the want and desire, the ever-present ache in his chest, they've fallen into a low background hum over the years.

 

They make themselves known occasionally, flaring and sparking bright before dying back down to hide in the quiet dark spaces. In his bed during the nights when he's feeling a bit more lonely than usual, in Freddie's broad and genuine smile over breakfast in the morning, in the jealous tug he feels and tamps down on when Freddie and Jim are being quietly affectionate in the back lounge of the bus.

 

The long break they'd taken between albums had been much-needed for the whole band, allowing all of them to get to live their lives at a normal pace for a while. It also had the side-benefit for Brian of a little distance from Freddie, something he hadn't really known he'd needed.

 

* * *

 

It wasn't until he was going to bed after a too-late night out that he realized the tightness in his chest, which had plagued him nearly every day for so long, wasn't there. He thought about it as he drifted off to sleep.

 

He awoke the next morning to the special Freddie-specific notification on his phone and groaned, rolling over to reach for it. He could just barely make out the red numbers of his alarm clock, telling him it was way too early, but Freddie was on Jim-time and Jim-time usually meant waking up at 6:30am. For Freddie that wasn't really a problem, Brian knew, since Freddie had told him last time they talked that his insomnia has been going full-force in recent weeks. He fumbled across the bedside table for his phone, squinting and blinking as the light shined in his eye, before peering more closely.

 

The notification was a short email asking how Brian's time off was going and detailing Freddie and Jim's beach adventure of the day before. Brian scrolled down and his breath caught, sleepy eyes still squinting at the screen, as he stared at a picture of Freddie and Jim, sandy and grinning.

 

He had a couple hours before he had to get up so he collapsed back against his pillows, and when he awoke for the second time he had a vague recollection of dreams featuring waves and sea foam and laughter.

 

* * *

 

Brian's sitting at the kitchen table in the bus with a bowl of cereal (who cares if it's 2pm, breakfast is breakfast), and thinking back over the last few years. He's not sure he'd call it reminiscing, but he's definitely thinking of all the things that have changed along the way, and a few that have persisted, remaining perfectly intact as if encased in amber.

 

He's thinking about their last tour before the break and the weird combination of freedom and loneliness that accompanied the break itself. It had given him some breathing room, some space to distance himself from some of the feelings that had begun to overwhelm him (mainly the war within himself between loving Freddie to death and wanting to strangle him with his own mic cord to hasten it's approach).

 

But it was also as if he were building something and the foundation had been ripped from underneath him, forcing him to start from scratch. He'd had to learn to build, and then to live, without Freddie and the rest of the band.

 

He's jarred out of his reverie when Freddie slides into the booth seat next to him. He reaches for the box of Lucky Charms in the middle of the table and grabs a handful, eating it out of the palm of his hand like it's trail mix. He waits until Brian starts eating again before asking, "Hey, did I, uh, did I do something to piss you off? Because I've been trying to figure out what, but I'm coming up blank here. Usually if you're avoiding me, you've got a good reason."

 

"No, oh--, no of course not," Brian stumbles to get out, quickly swallowing what's left of the bite. "No, I'm sorry. I've just… I've been in a weird headspace the last couple of days. Didn't want it to rub off on anyone else, y'know?"

 

Freddie nods, reaching for another handful. They eat in silence for a few minutes before Freddie leans closer, hand on Brian's shoulder, and tells him, "If you wanna talk about it, I’ll listen, darling. I know I'm generally shit at advice, but nobody on this tour is a better listener."

 

Brian smiles at that, nodding, and Freddie removes his hand, sliding back off the bench seat and heading toward the lounge. He stops to snag a last handful of cereal as he goes.

 

Unfortunately, Brian thinks, this just wasn't something he could talk to Freddie about. Somehow he couldn't picture 'I've been in love with you for ages now and I'd forgotten how much until I was stuck spending all my waking hours in a cramped moving home with you and your goddamned smile' going over too well.

 

* * *

 

Several nights later, Brian is settling into the back lounge after a signing that seemed to take forever -- in large part because he has a cold and is on vocal rest. It's just so hard to not say anything in response when people are telling him so many heartfelt and genuine things.

 

He's flipping through a DVD folder, trying to figure out what to watch, when Freddie comes in carrying two steaming mugs. He hands one to Brian, adding in a cheeky, "Throat Coat for Her Majesty," before settling in on Brian's left side, cradling his cocoa between his palms.

 

"So, what's on the schedule for tonight, darling?” Freddie asks him, peering over as Brian flips through the discs. He doesn't expect a verbal answer and isn't surprised when Brian shrugs, setting his tea on the small table in front of them, and keeps flipping through. Brian stops and points at a disc, glancing questioningly at Freddie for his opinion.

 

"C'mon, we've seen that series a million times! Which means you've probably seen it two million, because half the time you watch it without me." Brian mock-pouts, before moving on, resolving to watch _Star Wars_ at least once on this tour.

 

He flips through a few more pages, both of them "hmm-ing" over various titles before moving on, until they get to the page holding _Rocky Horror Picture Show._ By this point, Freddie has his chin hooked over Brian's shoulder, and he lights up when he sees it. Brian tried to quickly flip the page, so Freddie hastily sets down his drink to fight for the DVD folder. He uses his right hand to dig in and tickle Brian's ribs while using his left to grab at the folder.

 

They end up a giggling mess, and Brian is _not_ supposed to be laughing. He pulls himself together and tries to look stern but Freddie's giving him puppy dog eyes, or at least as close to them as Freddie can manage, and Brian feels his heart melt a little.

 

He finally gives in, nodding and slipping the disc from it's sleeve to hand to Freddie, communicating "fine, but you've gotta do the work."

 

They settle in to watch, Freddie close against his side, and Brian leans his head against Freddie's, content to watch the familiar film. It's about halfway through the movie, when Brian hears a soft whuffle and then Freddie's even breaths, telling him that Freddie's drifted off to sleep. He stays where he is, unmoving, for the remainder of the film, reluctant to disturb Freddie's sleep.

 

He does this partly because he remembers a time when four hours of sleep was a good night for Freddie, and although he tends to sleep better these days, Brian still can't help but want him to get all of the rest possible. His other reason is not so altruistic, not that it's easy to admit to himself. It's just so easy for him to stay there, basking in the warmth of their bodies curled together, hoarding every little detail, each of Freddie's steady breaths on Brian's neck.

 

He lets the credits roll and the main menu cycle through a few times before finally finding the willpower required to extricate himself from Freddie and gently nudge him awake. When Freddie just groans, grabbing for Brian in an attempt to pull him back down onto the seat, Brian instead grabs Freddie's hand, dragging him to his feet. He has to clamp down on his tongue in order to not say aloud, 'c'mon you lazy arse, I'm not carrying you to your bunk,' as he would have any other time.

 

He carefully gathers their mugs, holding the handles of both in one hand. He pulls Freddie along, catching most of his weight, and pushes him toward his bunk when they get there. Freddie reels him in by his hand though, giving him a half-hug and a sleepy "g'night, Brimi,” that makes Brian laugh, the nickname mumbled a bit as Freddie presses his lips to Brian's cheek.

 

He climbs into his bunk and Brian heads to the small kitchenette, depositing the mugs in the sink to be cleaned tomorrow. He heads to his own bunk, slipping beneath the covers and pulling his curtain closed. He drifts at the edge of consciousness for a long while, thinking of the press of Freddie's lips against his skin and the warmth of his cuddled close, before finally allowing sleep to claim him.

 

* * *

 

Freddie's done this thing for years where he loves to make Brian blush. He'll make jokes, raise a suggestive eyebrow, drop to his knees in front of Brian on stage, he'll bait their audience with comments about Brian's big cock, or he'll tease about how Brian likes to be close to him.

 

It's happened so often over the years that it doesn't faze most people anymore. For Brian though, those little joking comments serve as a reminder that Freddie just doesn't feel the same way about him. There's no way he'd be able to be so glib and carefree about it if he actually felt that way -- it'd be too big of a deal to just idly drop comments.

 

Brian was never hurt by it, though. He knew it was just Freddie's way of telling everyone ’This is my best friend, and I think he's awesome' and Brian was more than used to Freddie's unique way of going about things. Brian though, he knew that if he were to attempt to say things the way that Freddie did, he'd probably choke on the words, laughter falling flat, voice cracking at the truth of it all. When Brian talks about him, he's too afraid that the love in his tone will completely give him away, and he steers clear of those types of things.

 

Instead he'll talk about how Freddie's an amazing songwriter, how great Freddie is with fans, how much Freddie genuinely loves being a musician. He focuses on how Freddie is his best friend and how he challenges him to be a better musician. It's his way of telling the truth without telling all of the truth. And it's worked for him this long, why should that change now?

 

* * *

 

Brian and Roger are hanging out with Felix on the bus, keeping him occupied by building all kinds of lopsided Lego monstrosities. Felix is chatting away, telling them about how a girl in his pre-school had told him that the trick to building a  _really tall_  tower out of the blocks was that “you have to build a lighter structure! Otherwise it’ll fall over! That’s what she said. And she’s smart -I think that’s maybe true.”

 

Roger nods along, saying, “Makes sense, yeah,” as Felix reiterates his point, reaching across to grab the blue block that Brian had intended to grab himself.

 

Felix turns to Brian, looking at him thoughtfully before asking, “Uncle Brian, how do you build a lighter structure?” Brian bites back a laugh and tries to explain it in kid-terms, looking to Roger for help when he ends up using bigger words than a four-year-old probably understands.

 

Roger figures a practical demonstration is a better approach and starts to show Felix how to build a tower with a solid foundation that leaves spaces so that the blocks aren’t so densely packed, Felix scooting closer on his knees to help. Roger smiles as he looks over to see them both bent over their work surface, blonde heads pressed close as they build “the ultimate mega tower!”

 

Brian decides to leave them to it for a few minutes, heading toward the kitchen area to grab something cool to drink. He passes John, who’s lying in his bunk, curtain open but sound asleep. He’s just finishing a glass of water when he hears the bus door opening, the front lounge area suddenly bright with sunshine as Freddie and Jim come up the stairs.

 

“You guys have fun?” Brian asks them, and they both reply in the affirmative, Jim adding, “It was nice to walk, got to stretch our legs a bit. And didn’t bump into any annoying idiots with cameras, so that’s always a plus.” He smiles, then finishes off the last of the smoothie in the cup he’s holding, reaching past Brian to deposit it in the small trash can before going to sit on what the bus designers generously described as a sofa.

 

He hears Freddie’s, “Hello Felix, whatcha making?” and follows the familiar voices back down the hall, arriving just as he hears Freddie tell Felix, “That’s awesome! But do you think we can put the blocks away, you’ll have time build awesome towers with your dad later. Jim wants to spend time with you, said something about you guys going to explore the venue.”

 

This last bit causes Felix to cut off his grumbling at having to put away his toys, because he heard one of his dad’s friends say something about  _ghosts_  in lotsa places and maybe he and Jim can find a real-life one!

 

Brian watches as Felix scrambles to put the blocks away, sweeping them into the tub and crawling under the table to retrieve the ones he’s knocked off of it. He reminds himself to double check later, because Legos under feet are the worst sort of pain, one he’d hesitate to subject his worst enemies to.

 

Felix tries to climb over Roger, and Roger snatches him up instead, tossing him over his shoulder. He holds onto Felix’s feet as he heads out of the lounge, zooming down the hall to deliver Felix unceremoniously into Jim’s lap, Felix in a fit of giggles the entire time.

 

Soon enough Brian and Freddie are essentially alone on the bus, Roger happily roped into going ghost-hunting with Felix and Jim, John still sound asleep, and no sign of crew in sight.

 

Brian stretches a bit and then settles into one of the corner seats to relax, maybe do a little reading. Freddie comes out of the tiny bathroom a few minutes later and sprawls gracelessly on the seats next to Brian.

 

With no warning at all, Freddie says, "So, Brian, dear, I hear you've got the hots for me."

 

Brian splutters, trying simultaneously to deny the allegation and to tell Freddie that it's not a big deal when Freddie goes, "Woah, Brian -- I was kidding."

 

Brian goes pale as Freddie tacks on, "Well, mostly. Some people have been not so subtly hinting that we need to talk." Brian is panicking inside, trying to figure out what to say or do to diffuse this situation, to get Freddie to just forget he ever mentioned it because the last thing he wants to do it fuck up their friendship. That was the most important thing here.

 

Freddie must be able to sense Brian's panic because he reaches his hand out, grabbing Brian's and squeezing it as he says, "Woah, hey, no. Brimi, darling, calm down."

 

Brian shakes his head, still dumbstruck and scrambling, not fully listening as Freddie tells him, "Hey, hey, it's okay."

 

He tries to rise, wanting nothing but to escape the lounge and be able to think but Freddie tugs him back wrapping his arms around Brian's waist and asking him to please stay, telling him again that it was okay, and not to worry.

 

When Brian's breathing has mostly returned to normal, he looks over at Freddie, who is watching him steadily. He can think of nothing to say but, "I'm sorry," a twisted look of anguish, shame, and guilt on his face.

 

Freddie just tells him, "Hey, no, you don't have to apologize. I just, I wanted to get this out in the open, but I probably shouldn't have been such a twat about doing it. I wasn't really sure how to bring it up."

 

Brian nods, silent approval for Freddie to continue talking.

 

"Brian, you know this doesn't change things between us, right? You're still my best friend, and I still love you, no matter what else is going on. Don't ever think that's not true."

 

"So you don't have a problem with the fact that I've had feelings for you for years, and that I kept them from you? That doesn't weird you out?" Brian asks him, skeptically.

 

"No. I mean, can you change the way you feel?"

 

Brian shakes his head, "I tried, but--", and Freddie cuts him off, saying, "Okay then, then it's a moot point, darling. You can't change how you feel about someone just because it's convenient. Trust me, I know that one. And you're my best friend. I don't want that changing anytime soon. I'm not going to say I wasn't surprised when I caught on" (Brian inwardly snorts at that, thinking that Freddie's been pretty clueless to it. Someone must have said something to him), "but Brian. Don't ever think that I'll love you less because of something like that. Got it?"

 

Brian nods again, the movement beginning to feel a bit robotic. His mind, meanwhile, is racing. Over the years he's imagined Freddie finding out in various ways, from him telling Freddie and magically winning him over at some perfect moment, to Freddie finding out and being utterly disgusted and betrayed and refusing to ever talk to him again. This isn't a fairytale ending, he knows, but as long as Freddie's not freaked out by it, there are definitely worse outcomes. As long as he's still got Freddie as his best friend he imagines they can work it all out, one way or another.

 

Once again, Freddie knows him as well as he knows himself and tells Brian earnestly, "I don't care, I mean, I understand if it's hard for you to be around me sometimes or whatever, I know what that's like, but I don't want this --" he gestures between himself and Brian," -- to change. Nothing about this has to be different. I mean, just because I'm not wanting to suck your cock doesn't mean I don't love you."

 

It's an attempt to lighten the mood, and it works, Brian shoving at Freddie's arm and calling him an arsehole. When Freddie just laughs in response, Brian mutters, "Ugh, I don't know why I have such poor taste anyway," causing Freddie to shove him right back.

 

The conversation quickly devolves into casual insults and roughhousing, and Brian feels a bit weightless at the thought that now Freddie knows. And Freddie doesn't hate him for it. Doesn't feel disgusted by it. And now they're acting just the same as always.

 

But a thought comes to mind that he figures he'd better bring up now, while all of this was in the open, before they go back to business as usual -- or as close to that as they're ever going to be able to get.

 

"Shit, Jim's probably going to hate me, isn't he?"

 

Freddie laughs at that, and tells Brian, "No, definitely not, darling. He's the one who told me I needed to talk to you in the first place. He's been making comments for months and I only recently caught on what he actually meant. I'm pretty sure he thinks it's adorable or something. And he knows we're solid."

 

Brian lets out another sigh of relief at that. He hated the thought of spending the rest of the tour stuck on a bus that he's sure would start to feel even tinier if someone were actively pissed at him.

 

"So we're… okay then?" Brian asks, the slightest tinge of hesitance in his voice.

 

"Yeah," Freddie agrees, "Yeah, we're good. Wanna go see if the Scooby Gang have encountered any ghosts yet?"

 

"In that scenario, who's who? You're not casting me as Velma, are you?"

 

Brian allows Freddie to drag him up from his seat and trails him through the bus, smiling to himself. So maybe things aren't perfect, and maybe he still loves Freddie a little too much, but he hasn't lost him. And that's what matters most.


End file.
